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Speaking Of Fucked Up Amounts of Money....

You know that tape of a factory defected real doll humping on a pile of hairy caca? Well, Spencer Pratt has pulled the pricing gun out of his culo and stamped that tape with a bright orange sticker that reads: $5 MILLION. This is what Spencer told TMZ anyways.

Steve Hirsch of Vivid, who is negotiating with Spencer for the tape, doesn't seem to think this amount is totally and utterly fucked up. Right now in a control room up in heaven God has just opened up the clear box covering up thee red button. His finger is hovering above it as Bea Arthur, his second in command, shouts, "Just push beadammit!"

Spencer also tells TMZ that he has enough footage to fill an entire website, "I will knock Club Jenna out of the water. When I realized how much Kim [Kardashian] was making, my logic is this is the best thing I can do for my ex-wife. Kim is on the cover of Allure right now. Heidi isn’t on the cover of Allure."

To reiterate, Vivid might pay $5 million for a Twit and Twat sex tape! A sex tape! $5 million for a snuff film I can sort of see, but not a regular sex tape!

But in all seriousness, this couldn't be more of a scam even if Spencer said the tape also starred an exiled Nigerian prince, a free Rolex watch, a sexy Russian bride and a box of 93% 0ff Pfizer.

Guest star in the Speidi Sextape - Z list celebrity Karissa Shannon

Playmate Karissa Shannon and Heidi Montag reportedly made a lesbian sex tape together that Spencer Pratt allegedly found while cleaning his stuff out of the Malibu home he shared with Heidi, according to TMZ:

Sources say it was then that Spencer decided he could make a fortune selling his “library” to Vivid Entertainment — much of it featuring naked, fornicating Speidi.
We could not reach Heidi and her reps were mum.
As for Karissa Shannon — she tells us such a tape does indeed exist, but she’s not convinced Spencer really has it. Karissa says if the tape ever sees the light of day, she’ll sue the pants off him.

So count Karissa Shannon in as a co-star in the inevitable Heidi & Spencer reality show because if you didn’t see where this is going, congratulations, you’re actually way smarter than I am for shutting your brain off and just staring at the practically naked chick up top. No, seriously, good for you.

Spencer tells us Heidi knew since they met four years ago that all he wanted was to become famous … and nothing will stand in his way now. According to Spencer, Heidi is “freaking out because she doesn’t want to do reality TV anymore.”
Pratt says they have been saying in separate hotel rooms and they have been having ongoing, semi-hysterical discussions — in which Spencer has demanded that Heidi tear up the divorce papers and do a revealing reality show on why she needs to get away from him.
As Spencer puts it, “You cannot turn off the Speidi machine.”
Spencer is very clear … he will release a flurry of sex tapes if she does not agree. Spencer added, “I am a wild sexual freak and I love sex.”

Let me break down exactly what’s going to happen here:

1. Since she already hates her face and can’t afford a new one, Heidi’s going to sign off on the release of sex tape, then pretend Spencer did it behind her back because reality TV audiences are retarded and have yet to figure out these things require consent from both parties.
2. Somehow, something’s going to happen where Heidi lands a reality deal that was already inked a month ago in advance, and Spencer will be involved as the villainous ex who ruined her life by releasing a sex tape that secretly bought her five new chins with complimentary back-scoops.
3. I watch said sex tape because I want to see Karissa Shannon simulate intercourse with a giant life-size Barbie complete with nipple-less breasts and smooth, non-orificed groin.
4. I start weeping and gnashing of the teeth when I accidentally catch a glimpse of Spencer’s penis. Except, oh, wait, it’s a stunt penis and he’s crying in the corner whimpering “Don’t let it bite me.”
5. Lauren Conrad remains boring as shit.

Of Course: A Twit & Twat Sex Tape Is Coming Soon!

On their "101 Ways to be a Famewhore" list, Twit and Twat have already crossed out "get fake married, "get fake everything installed into body, "get fake divorced," and now they are slowly taking a Sharpie to "release fuck tape." Even the broke down psychic cat in Santa Monica could've predicted this mess.

TMZ brings us the inevitable news that Spencer is trying to sell a sex tape starring him and Heidi Montag to the highest bidder. Spencer has already offered it up to Vivid Entertainment. Vivid's Steve Hirsch had this to say, "I just got off the phone with Spencer Pratt about a sex tape with Heidi Montag. We are in early negotiations to possibly come to terms for a deal."

Watching a half-melted Dollar Tree plastic doll lying on top of a patch of mangy butt hair from a blonde mutt is probably more exciting than Heidi and Spencer's fuck tape, but I'd still press play on that shit. There's been so many times that I've stared at the mound of fleshy hair growing on the giant penis head on top of Spencer's neck and wondered if the theme continues down below to his crotch area. FLESH PUBES!

And seriously, Heidi's probably not even in the tape. It's just Spencer and his anal crystals.

Sweet Love

We like our Love dripping wet ;)